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To the citizens of the United Kingdom:
Upon revocation of the independence of the United States of America, you will, of course, return to the Glory Days of Empire, which some will argue was begun by an overweight bigamist/serial killer with an over-inflated ego. (For those of you who were too busy watching “East Enders” to study your history, this refers to Henry VIII and the Tutor conquest of Ireland).
Immediately effective are the following:
1. In the true nature of British colonialism, you will all wear khaki pants, grow huge mustaches, and end every sentence with “Hhhmph.”
2. You will impose your own education and values on foreign countries, ignoring their traditional history, and paradoxically instilling “the locals” with feelings of condescension and superiority towards their own indigenous cultures.
(This will lead to years of therapy for said “locals” who have to work through their Stockholm syndromes.)
3. After depleting said countries’ resources, you will withdraw, leaving behind internal turmoil and political strife, cars that drive on the left, and a penchant for tea and cucumber sandwiches at 4pm.
4. You go on to leave visitors in confused anger and frustration as they try to decide whether to use the cold water or the hot to wash their hands, after they’ve been to the toilet for the 10th time because you refused to wash the soap off of your dishes.
5. You will immediately realise that the stereotype of the British male who is charmingly unable to string together a coherent sentence is no longer attractive, but rather a communication style more suited to the Village Idiot.
(Watching the bumbling idiocy of Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral was akin to having one’s eyeballs seared with a hot poker.)
6. You will all realiZE that a war is no longer on. It’s time to put rations to rest and head to the supermarket (while wearing a mask and taking precautions, of course).
7. You will tell us what the Queen actually does. It’s driving us crazy.
8. As the proud achievers of the Darwin Award, you will completely wipe out your own population by means of the colossal mismanagement of one of the worst pandemics known to man. On your collective gravestone will read: “Herd Immunity Didn’t Work.”
9. Decades later, all will have been forgiven because you left us with the Beatles, Monty Python, and bangers and mash.
By Dr. Amy-Katerini Hall
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/revocation-of-independence/
Thank you!
Hello from NY!
Simon
With all due respect (and in my opinion you are due a lot) I have to point out that you (United Kingdom) do have Boris Johnson and Brexit. Just saying. :)
Thanks for the laugh!
please write more Mr. Cleese!
how these things work.
Well, perhaps he has figured the mess out and at last; we will have some guidence & clarity about what the Hell is going on!
No need to waste time missing my latest "reality TV". Thank you Mr. Cleese, for bringing us back into the fold of logic referred to as "British Politics".
Has he ever met a sausage he didn't like?
Stuff it up your jumper. That's what I say.
Your Royal Subject in Spirit.
Thanks so much.
However may I recommend one alteration to your plan?
Replace Boris Johnson with Angela Merkel
She does not speak English, but neither do the Americans.....
Any citizens who currently blindly follow a dyed blond self opinionated arrogant letcherous bully seriously need help.
And will we still have American cheese? Velveeta?
Please...no.
at it so this colony can return the name to the Continent.
With that squatty Boris Johnson and that constant BrexitiZing? -- AS IF. Hahaha
Surely, you know that Boris has some real, yet untamed hair up top! He cannot contend with Donald's carefully coiffed, rear over space suspension bridge coverage of the pate!
because I wanted to be close to my Mother!
Now a US Citizen...In light of John’s proposal...can I get my British Passport Back??? God Save the Queen!!
(en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ise_vs_izehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ise_vs_ize):
The -ize spelling is often incorrectly seen as an Americanism in Britain. It has been in use since the 15th century, predating -ise by over a century.-ize comes directly from Greek -ιζειν-izein and Latin -izāre, while -ise comes via French -iser. The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) recommends -ize and lists the -ise form as an alternative.
He settled comfortably in London thereby raising the average intelligence quotients of both nations.
A few thoughts, though.
1) It is abundantly clear that Most people in America cant drive properly. Therefore, i would advise that all citizens be required to give up their drivers' license until they can prove they can perfectly execute the various maneuvers required to operate a motor vehicle, such as parking in only One space, driving a straight course, etc, etc. ....etc. Expecting such unskilled "drivers" to handle driving on the left & round-abouts so suddenly is too much to ask.
2) We will require a new Monty Python flick. ..several, in fact. Yes, we Know most have passed on but there are Many fans who would help fill the roles.
3) We do not care if it's delicious or not, we will Not be eating any "spotted dick" for dessert.
...i, too, am joking as is J. Cleese. Anyone thinking this is to be taken seriously needs to get a sense of humo(u)r installed.
Proud of it, too, I guess.
And a dead parrot, regardless of what anyone says, is a dead parrot.
Somewhere, Ernie Kovacs is laughing.
The stock attack on American spellings is the very best of one-eyed, idiotic British jingoism. Your response to US English is to send it back to France? > NO......REMEMBER ENGLISH CAME FROM ENGLAND.........NOT TRUMP, WHO KILLS IT <
Aluminum isn't correct. Go find out why there are two spellings. > WHY? CANADA SPELLS IT CORRECTLY!<
Attacking US beer for being weak and offering them ours is akin to asking for them to buy our cars. Except we don't have any any more, do we? > NEITHER DOES DETROIT. <
merrie olde England is the very bottom of a shitty pile of colonial relics. > CAN’T BE, WE’RE STANDING ON THE USA <
And you, Mr Cleese, should know exactly what a relic is. > HE DOES, HENCE THE LETTER TO THE USA <
The stock attack on American spellings is the very best of one-eyed, idiotic British jingoism. Your response to US English is to send it back to France?
Nitwit.
Aluminum isn't correct, it's just the alternate to aluminum. Go find out why there are two spellings.
Attacking US beer for being weak and offering them ours is akin to asking for them to buy our cars. Except we don't have any any more, do we?
Of all the countries in the world that could be gloating at the fortunes of their former possessions, merrie olde England is the very bottom of a shitty pile of colonial relics.
And you, Mr Cleese, should know exactly what a relic is.
Rampant among the "poorly educated" the doofus is so proud of.
Please let me know how i might apply to leave the colonies. My favourite place is Lynton in Devonshire,but I would be grateful to be anywhere in England.
God Save the Queen.
...cuz BLAM, that struck me as pretty goddamn hilarious!
John Cleese is an acclaimed English comedian, his comments are liquid British humour and things that Brits have been saying for years.
Sadly, American life has caused you to forget to laugh at life. Brits ( and I am a former one) laugh at life, especially ourselves. America lost that habit in 1776 and if Biden gets in, you'll never get it back.
John Cleese
Cheese needs to remind you that life is exciting, full of flavour and has a bite. H
You are nearby cordially.invited to dine on my knickers. Yours truly
A Yank
God Save the Queen
Your army wore bright red and white uniforms. Those are literally the colors (colours) of a target. It’s like not that hard to realize why england didn’t do to good. No backsies.
PS, Britain is the size of Oregon, but we don’t call it Great Oregon. 😁
Yours tenaciously,
G.T. Grasso (respectively), Miss.
A woman of extraordinary grace and dignity. Something this country hasn't seen since the Founding Fathers
God Save the Queen 👑
* not the rich Forbes
Can you please tell me how healthcare will work? Neither candidate knows what we will be doing in the future.
Love you, Basil ❤️
As a Yank myself, I take exception to having to wait to play rugby, but i'm ok with all the other bits.
A gentleman does not mock those who are trying to recover from a tragedy.
While your essay will, no doubt, be thought droll by the chortling set, those of us who are still doing our damnedest to save democracy in the nominally-United States do not find it amusing, any more than you found it risible when people laughed at you while you were being beaten in the yard of whatever public school claims you.
Your witticisms, and the fact that you think they are such, say more about your character than they do about ours.
We will, through dint of great effort, recover in some measure from our national tragedy.
You, however, will always be an asshole.
Sincerely,
Darren Raleigh
Nothing else to say here.