PanamaTimes

Thursday, Mar 28, 2024

After Tuesday nights debate John Cleese  (Monty Python) published this

After Tuesday nights debate John Cleese (Monty Python) published this

A Message from John Cleese: To The citizens of the United States of America:
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Joe 3 year ago
Odd they want us to stop driving American cars, but have none of their own to offer. Instead they offer German cars, jeez, I'll stick with my own thankyou!
Millie 3 year ago
This has been doing the rounds since the George Bush/Al Gore election, 20 years ago. Changed slightly to update and still not actually written by John Cleese. Very funny all the same.
Anthony 3 year ago
We might on;y have 10,000 in our Army but we keep them up our sleevies so you cant see them. Then jump out when you least expect them. This is a Panto typpe Joke. Yet another weird thing we do. It could drive you all mad when forced to watch them. Be warned good buddies.
Scott Prevett 3 year ago
Sorry, Mr. Cleese, but although I'm very fond of you and your many performances, we will not be changing the way say or spell the word Aluminum. This is of course out of respect for the British chemist Humphry Davy, who named it that.
Konstantin Анатольевич Pepelyaev 3 year ago
I tried to share this article with my friends in US, but the "brainiacs" from FB told me, that information is fake, and announced author could not write such thing
Johanna 3 year ago
Clearly this is a conspiracy to drive all Americans insane with roundabouts where the British, normally a polite, restrained race, lose all inhibitions when behind the wheel, even in car parks, where they drive 80 kpm and learn on their horns (hooters) while patrons are exiting the shops, two feet from them and expect pedestrians to leap for their lives out of the way. What are we to do with our excellent highway system-- cut it down to the six foot wide British road? You'll have to tell us what "Pikelets" are because to us they sound like small fish. The disgusting British food (Battenburg cake is the exception) will have to stay on your side of the pond. Our food is great. So is our dental work. Since your tiny island would fit into the small states of New England with room left over, we'll just say that you became our 51st state. Since we are the third largest nation in terms of population and geography, consider yourselves overwhelmed so there's no need for you to go to war with your 10,000 man army and your one aircraft carrier. We already kicked the stuffing out of you twice, but you are slow learners. Don't make us do it again. Also, as part of the USA, you will have to dismantle that excrescence in London known as the "Egg" and also the "Eye," and will have to leave all other buildings older than 70 years intact as part of our "Historial Site" system. You will also instantly have to remove your so-called Prince of Wales and his horse (or is it his wife?) from all public appearances, as they are an embarrassment even to Charles Darwin. We think Harry and Meghan would make good honorary monarchs. Also, order trains that fit the tracks, instead of leaving a three-foot chasm between the train door and the platform, so you will no longer have to play the maddening "Mind The Gap" recording every 20 seconds. Have you no pity for small children, the handicapped, and the elderly, or are you trying to remove excess population?
Jeffrey Clapp 3 year ago
Look out, Cleese, your bumptious, soiled, overgrown, arrogant, hyper-active, self absorbed foster child is checking into Rehab. We're coming back strong!
Rob Healey 3 year ago
You are correct it was adapted but It is funny and the only deficit larger than our 3.1 trillion dollar debt and current deficit of Political reason is daily laughter due to the pandemic. Good humor is timeless. I’ll take it
Diana Lalor 3 year ago
God Save the Queen because nothing will save the US from Donald Trump!
Dr. Amy-Katerini Hall 3 year ago
“An Immodest Proposal” – Response to WHOEVER WROTE “Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.”
To the citizens of the United Kingdom:
Upon revocation of the independence of the United States of America, you will, of course, return to the Glory Days of Empire, which some will argue was begun by an overweight bigamist/serial killer with an over-inflated ego. (For those of you who were too busy watching “East Enders” to study your history, this refers to Henry VIII and the Tutor conquest of Ireland).
Immediately effective are the following:
1. In the true nature of British colonialism, you will all wear khaki pants, grow huge mustaches, and end every sentence with “Hhhmph.”
2. You will impose your own education and values on foreign countries, ignoring their traditional history, and paradoxically instilling “the locals” with feelings of condescension and superiority towards their own indigenous cultures.
(This will lead to years of therapy for said “locals” who have to work through their Stockholm syndromes.)
3. After depleting said countries’ resources, you will withdraw, leaving behind internal turmoil and political strife, cars that drive on the left, and a penchant for tea and cucumber sandwiches at 4pm.
4. You go on to leave visitors in confused anger and frustration as they try to decide whether to use the cold water or the hot to wash their hands, after they’ve been to the toilet for the 10th time because you refused to wash the soap off of your dishes.
5. You will immediately realise that the stereotype of the British male who is charmingly unable to string together a coherent sentence is no longer attractive, but rather a communication style more suited to the Village Idiot.
(Watching the bumbling idiocy of Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral was akin to having one’s eyeballs seared with a hot poker.)
6. You will all realiZE that a war is no longer on. It’s time to put rations to rest and head to the supermarket (while wearing a mask and taking precautions, of course).
7. You will tell us what the Queen actually does. It’s driving us crazy.
8. As the proud achievers of the Darwin Award, you will completely wipe out your own population by means of the colossal mismanagement of one of the worst pandemics known to man. On your collective gravestone will read: “Herd Immunity Didn’t Work.”
9. Decades later, all will have been forgiven because you left us with the Beatles, Monty Python, and bangers and mash.
By Dr. Amy-Katerini Hall
Dr. Amy-Katerini Hall 3 year ago
London Daily - Check your facts: This was written in 2003
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/revocation-of-independence/
Richard Thomas 3 year ago
When Americans celebrate Indepdance Day we celebrate Thanksgiving giving day! Thank heavens we got rid of the Yanks!
Howard Lettman 3 year ago
🤣🤣🤣🤣Jolly good fun old fellow!
David 3 year ago
John! Are you also immune with a u?
Francisco Sevcik 3 year ago
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
T.E. Willoughby (It's an English surname - look it up.) 3 year ago
It's called the "World Series" because the New York World (now defunct newspaper) sponsored the Series originally.
Howard Julien 3 year ago
Has John Cleese not paid taxes either? I believe the "Internal Revenue" is run by Trump, "HM Revenue & Customs" is the Queen's taxing authority.
Simon 3 year ago
Soooooooo funny!
Thank you!
Hello from NY!
Simon
Leonie 3 year ago
Hahahaha...Most people can talk a glass eye to sleep but John Cleese? This is brilliant ánd refreshing. Thank you! 😂😂
Maureen Raymond 3 year ago
You will get used to what we call a hard roll, as it is a really hard roll, not meant to be eaten, which is why we offer the croissant as an option.
Ralph Judah 3 year ago
I would also add that henceforth all protests will be permitted only to declare that British teeth matter.
Chuck 3 year ago
Mr. Cleese,
With all due respect (and in my opinion you are due a lot) I have to point out that you (United Kingdom) do have Boris Johnson and Brexit. Just saying. :)
lorraine 3 year ago
Thanks, a fun read. Take care.
Juli 3 year ago
Brilliant. And it would save the British Monarchy from Brexit. We already have some royals here to get it started.

Thanks for the laugh!
Dan O. 3 year ago
Finally, our own Ministry of Silly Walks!
Dan G 3 year ago
Is the Parrot still pining for the fjords?
Jb 3 year ago
I have not laughed out loud in a long while. Hilarious!
Julie Chippindall 3 year ago
Brilliant
Peter Louch 3 year ago
Exactly - extremely good and accurate.....
please write more Mr. Cleese!
Lee 3 year ago
half the text has been around for a number of years, but the amendments are in the right spirit.
Janine Hannan 3 year ago
loved it I'm an Aussie so I know
how these things work.
Kwn 3 year ago
Honey... THINK ITS LOVELY... BUT TAKE BACK THAT AFRO YIDDISH AND CUT OFF HER HEAD...AND WE WILL HAVE A DEAL...PLUS PIGLOSI HAS TO BECOME EXCOMMUNICATED AND WELL AS THE EARLESS SPENCER CABBAGE PATCH LOOKING EARL... AND NO MORE ABOUT DEAD DIANA... NO ONE REALLY CARES ..SHE IS DEAD... MOVE ON...
Feroze Patel 3 year ago
Time America set things straight;)
Donna 3 year ago
LOL, thanks, Mr. Cleese! I welcome the coming of tea time, with strawberries.
Deb 3 year ago
As the daughter in law of a D Day Vet, I’d say good thing we did break away or you’d be speaking German today! Besides, seems to me the Queen has enough going on with an accused child molester in her family and a grandson who seems to prefer the freedom of America. Thanks for the offer Mr. Cleese but I’ll take my chances with the way things are.
Frankcraven.com 3 year ago
I dare say Mr. Cleese has ignored our revolution and whole Government as an organization!
Well, perhaps he has figured the mess out and at last; we will have some guidence & clarity about what the Hell is going on!
Dan D. Wife 3 year ago
It's about time we did away with this "independent thinking". If we need to think on something we just need to "Google it".
No need to waste time missing my latest "reality TV". Thank you Mr. Cleese, for bringing us back into the fold of logic referred to as "British Politics".
Dan D. 3 year ago
Congratulations on finding Boris.
Has he ever met a sausage he didn't like?
Ken byrne 3 year ago
What a damned good plan.
Stuff it up your jumper. That's what I say.
Secret Admirer 3 year ago
Have always known we are secretly British. Thank you for the clarification.
Your Royal Subject in Spirit.
Semret Medhane 3 year ago
Bravo!!!
Antoine Derepas 3 year ago
Fully agree;
Thanks so much.
Robert Teunissen 3 year ago
Dear John what a delightful solutionl😀👍
However may I recommend one alteration to your plan?
Replace Boris Johnson with Angela Merkel
She does not speak English, but neither do the Americans.....
Alex Overfeldt 3 year ago
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Carole. 3 year ago
John you have not lost your touch. Well done
Texas citizen 3 year ago
Do we want it? Go 300 miles in from the east coast and 300 miles in from the west coast and in between they're all like Donald Trump'
Glenda the Good Witch 3 year ago
John Cleese, you’ve still got it! A Canadian who gets British humour and loves it!
Lady Darling 3 year ago
Here, here.Dashed good thinking, what!
Emily 3 year ago
I am so ready for this to be reality. (from a resident of the revolting colonies)
Susan davies 3 year ago
Brilliant. Thank God for common sense. High time Her Majesty OUR Queen Elizabeth 11 is available. Strong, sensible, experienced, dignified. The whole world loves and respects her. She is unique.
Any citizens who currently blindly follow a dyed blond self opinionated arrogant letcherous bully seriously need help.
Peter Mond 3 year ago
Excellent John, apart from a few minor details, like who will be occupying the White House: will it be the new Governor, the Prince of Wales or will it be the Queen's new summer house in the Colonies.
Portland Jim 3 year ago
But how can we have your pudding if we have not eaten our meat?

And will we still have American cheese? Velveeta?

Please...no.
Maria Panagiotidis 3 year ago
Absolutely wonderful in all things but for the fact that you didn’t mention Australia as the greatest sporting nation on earth bar none. Hardly S. Africa. We too are part of the Commonwealth. I know; you poms often forget this little detail. But we love the mother land regardless. I must say though we do love giving you guys the occasional thrashing at cricket, rugby and many other sports. If the ball tampering incident comes to mind - don’t go there John. 99% of aussies are believers of fair play. As for the message to the uncouth, absolutely wonderful 😂😂😂. Love always, a fan from Aus. xxx
Maria 3 year ago
Darren Darren Darren 😂😂😂😂 maybe he needed to add something about having a sense of humour 😂
Carlos Heller 3 year ago
Driving on the left from now on might be a bit complicated for the average US citizen. Let them start with trucks first
Dave 3 year ago
Sounds good except for the transition to driving on the left. That could be quite a shock and the solution first proposed by the Rhinoceros Party of Canada should be considered: the change needs to be phased in, automobiles one year, trucks and buses the next.
Betsy 3 year ago
Fine with me. But you must stop calling the USA, "America". Maybe you can give us a proper name while you're
at it so this colony can return the name to the Continent.
Sarita 3 year ago
All seems copacetic to me with the exception of the roundabouts, which are even scarier than our president.
marz deperalta 3 year ago
I am a retiree on a strict shopping budget ... would this exempt me from wearing my old Hilfigers? Most of them bear the red-white-and-blue colors.
Robert Duaine 3 year ago
Where were you in 1776 when this mess go started?
Bolivar Illescas 3 year ago
Sir. Could you ask the Queen if she at least could let ua play baseball. ????
PVM 3 year ago
Thanks to all who have replied. Even if the great JC did not write it, reading the replies has given me just as much joy as reading the article, especially the ones from the U.S. Who says you don't have a sense of humour?
Stephanie Gogarty 3 year ago
I watched you as a young person on tv and actually on YouTube we are still seeing some of your amazing comedy. I got my first good laugh since the debates for the presidency started over here....nothing to laugh about there!
Janet 3 year ago
John Cleese I absolutely love you. It's all my beliefs and mores in a nutshell. I LOVED THIS.
Edward Berkeley 3 year ago
Sooner or later England will become the 51st State!
ZAnon 3 year ago
Did you have to go to the Free Speech Corner to say that?
ZAnon 3 year ago
How dare you, McCleeze.

With that squatty Boris Johnson and that constant BrexitiZing? -- AS IF. Hahaha
Nels Running 3 year ago
How silly of you, John!

Surely, you know that Boris has some real, yet untamed hair up top! He cannot contend with Donald's carefully coiffed, rear over space suspension bridge coverage of the pate!
Pete Giffes 3 year ago
Thanks, John. I think we’ll wait another 4 Years. After all, what is the Queen? 150 years old?.,,. And Boris, pardon me for saying this but... he wasn’t elected.... and half your country hates him.
Jack L Finglass 3 year ago
This is the proper way for things to be in future.
William Gray 3 year ago
As a WWII War baby..English mother, American Soldier father...born in Gloustershire UK
because I wanted to be close to my Mother!
Now a US Citizen...In light of John’s proposal...can I get my British Passport Back??? God Save the Queen!!
DJW 3 year ago
I wonder why he didn't suggest that we reduce our national obesity problem by adopting British "cuisine." No one would eat.
Articulatus Streichem 3 year ago
My we please keep our American teeth?
JW Coetzee 3 year ago
You can decide on his politics, but his views on sport are spot on!
Keith Wicks 3 year ago
i enjoyed that. But he is completely wrong about -ise and ize. The following comes from American and British English spelling differences - Wikipedia
(en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ise_vs_izehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ise_vs_ize):

The -ize spelling is often incorrectly seen as an Americanism in Britain. It has been in use since the 15th century, predating -ise by over a century.-ize comes directly from Greek -ιζειν-izein and Latin -izāre, while -ise comes via French -iser. The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) recommends -ize and lists the -ise form as an alternative.
Michael O Donovan 3 year ago
For the next governor, we would have preferred Oliver Reed, but I think he's dead.
Andrew 3 year ago
That was something completely different, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean guv'nor.
Gale Colpitts 3 year ago
Definitely recommend John Cleese for new Governor of the British States of America. But God help the Queen !!!
Patrick 3 year ago
Wow that’s some funny stuff man. Classic John Cleese, or “The Cleester” as he likes to be called over here across the pond, so to speak...wait a minute, he hates that shi... I mean sheep dung! Please no one tell him I said that after my Yank to UK reintegration.
Paul 3 year ago
The dumbest American we ever had was expelled from the USA for obvious reasons.
He settled comfortably in London thereby raising the average intelligence quotients of both nations.
olga rondeau 3 year ago
Way to go John Cleese. Love your humour!
A Rees 3 year ago
Well done Mr Cleese! Or will it now be Sir Cleese?
Andrew 3 year ago
Andrew aa... actually the Americans spell Aluminium correctly - our foredads changed the spelling.
Andy 3 year ago
Agreed.
A few thoughts, though.
1) It is abundantly clear that Most people in America cant drive properly. Therefore, i would advise that all citizens be required to give up their drivers' license until they can prove they can perfectly execute the various maneuvers required to operate a motor vehicle, such as parking in only One space, driving a straight course, etc, etc. ....etc. Expecting such unskilled "drivers" to handle driving on the left & round-abouts so suddenly is too much to ask.
2) We will require a new Monty Python flick. ..several, in fact. Yes, we Know most have passed on but there are Many fans who would help fill the roles.
3) We do not care if it's delicious or not, we will Not be eating any "spotted dick" for dessert.
Andy 3 year ago
p.s.
...i, too, am joking as is J. Cleese. Anyone thinking this is to be taken seriously needs to get a sense of humo(u)r installed.
Loren R 3 year ago
After consulting with all of my countrymen, we have addition requests. You are responsible for teaching us English. Most Americans are fully fluent in American but know nothing of English. Once the language conversion has been made, we want the terms “all of the sudden” and “all intensive purposes” and the word “ain’t” to be considered grammatically, syntactically correct and coherent. You must remove all works by Shakespeare from all schools, libraries and bookstores in the country and blocked in the internet. We don’t understand him, we don’t like him, and he’s your problem. You can have the military but we remain in control of our nuclear arsenal. In the highly likely event we use them, you retain all liability. 9/11 is to be made a paid national holiday lasting 3 weeks. Do not expect us to switch to tea. Most Americans require instant coffee in the morning to get up enough energy to make regular coffee. Mandatory tea will bring our economy to a halt.
PJ Moorrees 3 year ago
Change 'cheese grater' in point 12 to 'vegetable peeler', and refer back to point 6 for clarification.
Loren R 3 year ago
Not acceptable. We are willing to sell the nation back to you and we’ll lease it back. FYI, the nation isn’t broken but it is badly bent. As the new landlords, we expect you to fix it up at your own cost and clean it up like new. We want a wall 10,000 meters tall be built along the length of our border with Canada to keep the cold weather out. We reserve the right to sell New Mexico back to Old Mexico to fund an unnecessary wall with them. Also we demand Mondays and Fridays off work and we expect to be paid. Finally we want all illegal drugs made legal, free, and consumption made mandatory.
Rob 3 year ago
You Americans will all be issued with a sense of humour too. The sitcom and standup shit you all laugh at is REALLY not funny.
John Collins 3 year ago
"God Save The Queen" is OK with me if you're talking about the Sex Pistols version.
Cynthia Ladkani 3 year ago
Please share the art of satire with American social media participants. We are much in need of it.
Kevin Fowler 3 year ago
Cleese you are an idiot. If you hate the U.S. so much then do is call a favor and never come here. Speaking of the U.S. idiot Cleese you British begged for our to in WWI and II. So grow up and get a spine before you tell us how to run our affairs coward
Ken Wilson 3 year ago
It's a joke, 20 years old and not from John Cleese.
Richard 3 year ago
So, another comment showing the poster is as dumb as a bag of hair.

Proud of it, too, I guess.
Cactus 3 year ago
Ooo. Do you think Donald would accept a Peerage. The Lords need lightening up.
Jim 3 year ago
Is this not a serious news journal then? Seeing as this is some twenty years old and John Cleese didn't write it.
Val K 3 year ago
This is nothing short of brilliant!!! I laughed out loud practically non-stop, and shall now proceed to disseminate this marvellous bit to all family members, friends and certainly neighbours 😜 John, your colourful language and razor sharp sarcasm are admirable! Thank you!
Richard Dardine 3 year ago
Let's get cracking - there's 35 years of EastEnders to catch up on!
רום ברוסטין 3 year ago
Why stop with America. In Israel and indid the rest y the middle East the same failure had occurred. If possible to restablish the British mandate in the middle East that wold be nice.
Chris A Rathbone 3 year ago
Well done and thanks John. Your sledgehammer wit has made this sad-sack Taswegian's day a hell of a lot brighter.
Tom😊 3 year ago
Maga baby. We got things well under control here, you can keep your unnecessary vowels, and your beer, nothing good ever came from the metric system,we have tacos, and barbeque,say hi to the Queen.
Completely Different 3 year ago
Pure genius. Been missing the "Minister of Silly Walks" for too long.
And a dead parrot, regardless of what anyone says, is a dead parrot.
Somewhere, Ernie Kovacs is laughing.
Ian B 3 year ago
Written in 2000 and not by JC. See this article: http://messybeast.com/dragonqueen/independence.htm
An eskimo. NOT a CIA agent. 3 year ago
Mr. Cleese, I would be most concerned if spam would still be available. So long as I could still have spam and eggs alongside some spam and sausage and spam and then some spam spam spam spam, spam and spam..... I might be OK with the idea.
Anthony Williams 3 year ago
This was written 20 years ago and certainly not by John Cleese, so save your praise...
Patrick 3 year ago
That is absolutely hilarious. However, I can honestly say that the most tasty, flavorful, wonderful beer in the world is NOT JUST brewed in The United States, but is in fact brewed right here in Arizona. Yes, that's right', the one state that has Z(ee) in it, not a Z(ed), as other English-speaking countries call it, and for whatever reason, seem to have some sort of hate for. What did the letter Z ever do to you? Learn to spell! :-)!!! That being said, absolutely hilarious! Thanks for posting this.
Berto Scholtz 3 year ago
An absolute masterpiece.
Allan Joslin 3 year ago
Derek Idol ...what part of John Cleese's joke didnt you get?....apparently on reflection all of !
Benedict Arnold 3 year ago
Derek Idol 9 min ago

The stock attack on American spellings is the very best of one-eyed, idiotic British jingoism. Your response to US English is to send it back to France? > NO......REMEMBER ENGLISH CAME FROM ENGLAND.........NOT TRUMP, WHO KILLS IT <

Aluminum isn't correct. Go find out why there are two spellings. > WHY? CANADA SPELLS IT CORRECTLY!<
Attacking US beer for being weak and offering them ours is akin to asking for them to buy our cars. Except we don't have any any more, do we? > NEITHER DOES DETROIT. <
merrie olde England is the very bottom of a shitty pile of colonial relics. > CAN’T BE, WE’RE STANDING ON THE USA <
And you, Mr Cleese, should know exactly what a relic is. > HE DOES, HENCE THE LETTER TO THE USA <
Californian 3 year ago
Bastard!
Matt Barbarich 3 year ago
Hey what about all the great Aussie sports people AND beers( no we don't drink Fosters!) that this wit has conveniently ignored. Can't imagine life without hamburgers , pizza and doughnuts, but yes the spelling and pronunciations in US are annoying , but just as much as the words lorry, bollocks and antipodies( wherever that is). True, who'd want Arkansas( give it back to the French) and Delaware( the Swedes can run it again) God save the Queen! God help us all afterwards.
Derek Idol 3 year ago
This article is a dead parrot.
The stock attack on American spellings is the very best of one-eyed, idiotic British jingoism. Your response to US English is to send it back to France?
Nitwit.
Aluminum isn't correct, it's just the alternate to aluminum. Go find out why there are two spellings.
Attacking US beer for being weak and offering them ours is akin to asking for them to buy our cars. Except we don't have any any more, do we?
Of all the countries in the world that could be gloating at the fortunes of their former possessions, merrie olde England is the very bottom of a shitty pile of colonial relics.
And you, Mr Cleese, should know exactly what a relic is.
Mark Webster 3 year ago
You just don't get it do you......
Richard 3 year ago
Another poster dumber than a bag of hair.

Rampant among the "poorly educated" the doofus is so proud of.
Mike O Donovan 3 year ago
Dumber than a bag of hair...with all of the smart hair removed.
Paul Bennett 3 year ago
And by the way, Trump means 'fart'
James Christianson 3 year ago
Patriots are in control. The Queen can no longer order up babies to be eaten on demand. Sucks to be her right now.
Steven Wilkinson 3 year ago
Wonderful JC. Just sublime.
sheppo 3 year ago
I would bet on Australia being P4P best sporting country in the Commonwealth.
Debi Groenendyk 3 year ago
Oh thank you, kind sir. I won't have to actually move to England now. God bless you, and God save the Queen.
Annie Loomer 3 year ago
Mr. Cleese, I have been waiting for this all of my life.
Please let me know how i might apply to leave the colonies. My favourite place is Lynton in Devonshire,but I would be grateful to be anywhere in England.

God Save the Queen.
maddpsyintyst 3 year ago
Also, from now on, lightning and humor will no longer be called "lightning" and "humor," respectively. They will both be called "John Cleese."

...cuz BLAM, that struck me as pretty goddamn hilarious!
Fuck Britannia 3 year ago
Fuck Brittania!!!!
Elizabeth Seymour-Carter Roper Hart 3 year ago
I am the progeny of a thoroughly British mother and irrevocably Southern father. Rather than a mere “governor”, don’t you think we deserve an Imperial Viceroy !?!
Damian Humphreys 3 year ago
Red: Pedaadle
John Cleese is an acclaimed English comedian, his comments are liquid British humour and things that Brits have been saying for years.

Sadly, American life has caused you to forget to laugh at life. Brits ( and I am a former one) laugh at life, especially ourselves. America lost that habit in 1776 and if Biden gets in, you'll never get it back.
Frank Ciccarelli 3 year ago
Wondering tho if we might switch out Boris Johnson for Angela Merkel? Or Helen Mirren!
Frank Ciccarelli 3 year ago
Not a moment to soon...
RPedaadle 3 year ago
I'd be surprised if John Cleese really had anything to do with this. It seems more bitter than funny or clever.
Michael Deliyanis 3 year ago
Oops, it's Hear, Hear! ( wadda want I'm an American )
John Cleese 3 year ago
I regret that I had nothing at all to do with this piece

John Cleese
George Smith 3 year ago
He forgot to unflouridate our water so we all have bad teeth!
Michael Deliyanis 3 year ago
Here, Here John
TLG 3 year ago
I'm an American but this has got to be the greatest and most hilarious thing I've ever heard or seen. Love John Cleese .. Just Brilliant.
Ronald Rosenthal 3 year ago
We’ll be back
Val 3 year ago
Grow up America ~ It's irony ~ comedy.
Joe 3 year ago
It is incredible how people just believe this with no research. This was not written by John Cleese and it certainly wasn't written last week. Google is your friend.
JW Coetzee 3 year ago
The part about South African sport stood the test of times, though.
Bob Kravchuk 3 year ago
Rule Britannia!
Steve 3 year ago
There's something so British about being dragged, unwilling, out of a union of nations and then have the temerity to lecture the US on proper governance.
Stephen Conklin 3 year ago
Like the section about the vegetable peeler.
Pauline Woodward 3 year ago
Absolutely Priceless
Jacqueline Thomas 3 year ago
I love you John Cleese.
Jon 3 year ago
Brexit. All i gotta say. No thanks. We are brothers in stupidity, already a family.
Jason 3 year ago
I for one will welcome the return of the British government, assuming of course they can help us establish a proper national health service.
Jean Reid 3 year ago
As an embarrassed and apologetic American, I can only hang my head in shame over the actuality of the tRump pResidency. Thank you for being gentle in your chastizement
CG 3 year ago
This is very witty but England must recognize, US spelling, its own shortcomings.
David Boughter 3 year ago
He's right about us electing incompetent people. Just look at Trump and Pence. And everyone in congress. I believe Joe and Kamala are competent enough to eventually pull us out of this Trump shit show. But we need to get McConnell out too. And Trump should die of Covid!
tom 3 year ago
Wow. Just wow. Thinking Joe is competent AND wishing death to OUR prez. You’re a real piece of work. A WPOS.
Will Edelman 3 year ago
Uh, you got Boris Johnson and you accuse the United States of ineptness?
Harold Ramone 3 year ago
Dear Mr. Cleese. As a member of the commonwealth, Canada, I salut you. The rabble SOUTH OF THE BORDER are embarrassing. And the Brits know a thing or two about that. And while you’re at it, they need to learn of cheese; Cheddar, the single most popular cheese in the world. And Stilton... wtf is Monterey Jack?
Cheese needs to remind you that life is exciting, full of flavour and has a bite. H
Ken 3 year ago
Look it up on Snopes. It's 20 years old and it isn't from John Cleese.
Adam kiernan 3 year ago
I don't know how, but you managed to offend me and amuse me at the same time.
John Leonard 3 year ago
Until he got to baseball, he almost had me!
G Hodges 3 year ago
An interesting little fact... The word "aluminum" is found in Webster dictionary, spelled thus and pronounced as it appears. The word "aluminium" is found in OED, spelled thus and pronounced as it appears. The first publication of Webster happens to predate OED by some 56 years. Just sayin'. But wait... The substance was discovered in Denmark and it's "aluminium" in Danish. Now I'm just confused
James enright 3 year ago
When the brits start to pronounce their "r"s and accept that GB actually stands for greedy bastards who have never satisfied their greed with plunder of countless peoples superior cultures. Then you can critisise other nations with your unfounded smugness.
Jamie Cunliffe 3 year ago
And remind them, when they go metric, even we did not have the gall to change the spelling of metre (and then not adopt it).
George Zimmer 3 year ago
Agreed on all counts, except the World Series of baseball. The first match was sponsored by a newspaper called "the New York World" ergo: the name does not imply world wide.
Sir Pantsalot 3 year ago
Dear Mr . Sir Not Appearing. I shall take my American arse to the Castle Ajax and face the peril of all 100 Virgins forthwith! Then, shall I call myself a Proper Britain!
Helen Metcalfe 3 year ago
Sooo funny and true.
Eric Hamelin 3 year ago
My dear Mr. Cleese,
You are nearby cordially.invited to dine on my knickers. Yours truly
A Yank
John McNamara 3 year ago
I've an Irish passport, guess I'll be moving back "home"
Ray Smith 3 year ago
I will gladly bow to my new British overlords. The Democratic Experiment has failed.

God Save the Queen
Bob 3 year ago
When it was discovered how to produce aluminium on an industrial scale the Royal Society called it aluminum. They sent news of this breakthrough to America and then promptly decided to call it aluminium instead. Which is surely more fickle than the USA's use of the word?
Kendall Hayes 3 year ago
You can sign my Alabama ass up immediately , I think this will end some of the fucked up shit in this Godforsaken hell hole. Excuse me, I mean shite.
Jacques 3 year ago
We start with the Brits taking the piss out of everyone and we end up with the Piss taking the Brits out of everyone. Wagging their tales behind them. As we say in France, Gesundheit.
Paul La Capria 3 year ago
Hysterical! On point British humor as always.
Brian, in Texas via Leominster, MA 3 year ago
May I offer a couple points to note. First, I believe the Oxford Dictionary is the perfect source for determining the origin of the word and lousy for definition of words. Secondly, Potato Chips were first marketed by a TriSum Potato Chips, a company located in Leominster, Massachusetts. Ergo, "Potato Chips" is the correct name of the food. While many of Mr. Cleese's observations are correct about the United States - Trump is a disaster but you have Boris Johnson . Ewww! - on this one detail I invite Mr Cleese to go pound sand! Respectfully, of course.
MarkK 3 year ago
Dear John,
Your army wore bright red and white uniforms. Those are literally the colors (colours) of a target. It’s like not that hard to realize why england didn’t do to good. No backsies.
PS, Britain is the size of Oregon, but we don’t call it Great Oregon. 😁
Bobby 3 year ago
Too well, not “to good”.
D.Mardiros 3 year ago
You had me interested until you mentioned "competent leadership" and "Boris Johnson" in the same paragraph.
C.U.N.Tuesday 3 year ago
Dear sir, etc etc I would like to complain about this letter of complaint. It lacks originality, and would be better publicized while emitting low moans on top on a washer on the rinse cycle. (Yum Yum). People need substance! WHICH most American people have, and the majority of British, like John Cleese, lack. That’s why he prefers to use insults with rodents and fruits while culturally appropriating the French on top of the same tall buildings just at different angles through out his enormously boring sketches. Not to mention he a kin to being on film in black face while visiting children he benevolently mistakes as Jesus (🤯). For how long are we to put up with this?
Yours tenaciously,
G.T. Grasso (respectively), Miss.
Bellatrice 3 year ago
Thank you, been pleading for this since Orange Numpty seized power. Yes to the Ministry of Silly Walks, reasonably priced Yorkshire Gold, McVitties and NHS. God Bless HRH!
Kathy Barrett 3 year ago
Absolutely spot on!
Mark Templeton 3 year ago
What about a Ministry of Staxking Things on top of Other Things. That would be a good place for all the displaced Senators and Congresspersons.
DebateMan 3 year ago
Steel yourself Mr. Cheese. Someone hand me my fish.
Canadian 3 year ago
Wonderful, but you made a syntax error in the headline.
Gary Doherty 3 year ago
Will we have a Ministry of Yellow Things?
CHRISTOPHER MCDERMOTT 3 year ago
John Cleese trying to be relevant.
Tim Evans 3 year ago
Oh - and also "challenge". It means problem.
Timothy Evans 3 year ago
And stop saying "We need to ..." all the time. There's a great deal in need of attention in the USA but please bear in mind the English language has other modal auxiliaries and expressions of necessity such as must, should, ought to, required. Even in need of would be better.
Alan Edwards 3 year ago
Like all great civilisations there is a point where they collapse inward. The USA have few honest politicians who aren't multi millionaires, present one being the worst ever, crazy gun laws, refusal to accept we are the cause of global warming, overconsumption, a system that doesn't care for the poor. If you are well off you will not recognise most of this because the last thing you want is change. I would also agree with many comments that Boris Johnson is an idiot!
Ronald A Nenni 3 year ago
I for one would welcome Her Majesty as our ruling Monarch
A woman of extraordinary grace and dignity. Something this country hasn't seen since the Founding Fathers
God Save the Queen 👑
Mark Mettler 3 year ago
As I recall, this humour is perhaps 10+ years old and not written by John C. While sharing things as this by Spam Mail or Facebook is perhaps common daily fool behaviour, I fear the printed press proves once more it’s only good for wrapping fish and chips, not for subscribing to read.
Paul 3 year ago
This is a very old joke and had been on the internet for years, several years ago John himself said he did not write it. FFS, aren't you meant to be journalists?
Thomas Michael Reeber 3 year ago
You will regret it...this will be like "The Ransom of Red Chief!"
Phil 3 year ago
Too funny. Why not merge them with Canada and replace our joke while your at it... Although it's been years since I thought it better to replace our joke of a leader with your joke of a leader (no disrespect to the crown).
Jim coradinejim@gmail.com 3 year ago
Absolutely 100 correct Sir John.This is from a KIWI
Steve Keough 3 year ago
Cleese for President!
Anne Elk 3 year ago
ALBATROSS!
Ina Rochelle Creef 3 year ago
I love it. May we call you uncle John? How soon may we be invited to come stay with you for a spell? Ancestors were a bunch of scots (Forbes*, Burgess, Duncan, Moncrieffe) who found their way to and near the Outer Banks of North Carolina early to mid 1700's. It's a mystery why. See you soon.
* not the rich Forbes
Tay Everson 3 year ago
And Boris Johnson is a wanker.
Tay Everson 3 year ago
Andie Macdowell’s character in Four Weddings and a Funeral was American.
Sir Spankalot. 3 year ago
We kicked your asses once, you British swine. Come get some more, you silly English kniget.
Mark C Grant 3 year ago
Didn't Britain fail to nominate competent candidates for election? Our current "leader" is a first case clown of the highest order. Regardless, this was the longest Dad joke I've ever come upon, with only 20% not being stupidly outdated. Where you been, Mr Cheese? Obviously not to Relevance School.
Incontenentia Buttocks 3 year ago
It would be well worth it, Mr. Cleese, just so you could be OUR national treasure.
Biggus you already know 3 year ago
You and I can be friends. I saw what you did there!
Mary 3 year ago
Mr.Cleese,
Can you please tell me how healthcare will work? Neither candidate knows what we will be doing in the future.
CH Luke 3 year ago
No baseball?
Jeri 3 year ago
All fine with me...EXCEPT driving on the left. John, we are too dumb. Half the population would die (myself included). Lol

Love you, Basil ❤️
Martin 3 year ago
Mr. Cheese, sorry Cleese,
As a Yank myself, I take exception to having to wait to play rugby, but i'm ok with all the other bits.
Robert 3 year ago
I’ll just repeat to you what I yelled at (the late, great) Graham Chapman at the beginning of his last show in our beloved town. “Go home, ya pansy. Your Mummy’s callin’ ya.”
MildBill 3 year ago
It’s called humor!
V 3 year ago
No MildBill. It's "humour", as Mr Cleese has already explained.
Johnny Rock 3 year ago
@Darren: Lighten up, Francis.
Darren 3 year ago
Fuck off, Mr. Cleese.
A gentleman does not mock those who are trying to recover from a tragedy.
While your essay will, no doubt, be thought droll by the chortling set, those of us who are still doing our damnedest to save democracy in the nominally-United States do not find it amusing, any more than you found it risible when people laughed at you while you were being beaten in the yard of whatever public school claims you.
Your witticisms, and the fact that you think they are such, say more about your character than they do about ours.
We will, through dint of great effort, recover in some measure from our national tragedy.
You, however, will always be an asshole.
Sincerely,
Darren Raleigh
Ryan Wescott 3 year ago
I'll bet you're the guy that just sits in the corner and pets the dog at a party
David 3 year ago
Are you worth replying to? Of course, you stupid twit! Humour (note spelling) is most called for in times of dire tragedy. That includes happening on your idiotic humourless text, you feeble fuck brain. Free speech? As free as I am to call you out.
Jim 3 year ago
It’s humour, dumbass!
Mark C Grant 3 year ago
It's arsehole, as in, "can you please take that stick out of your arsehole".
Bobby 3 year ago
Another one of the “humour impaired”.
Richard 3 year ago
Hi, I'm Darren and I am dumber than a bag of hair.

Nothing else to say here.
Mike O Donovan 3 year ago
Dumber than a bag of hair... with all the smart hair removed.
Ade 3 year ago
One thing I would disagree with is that the Americans have been spending their time improving their beers very nicely. Given everything else they had to contend with can’t blame em.
Oh ya 3 year ago
Funny and so correct in many respects. Remember it is but a flesh wound
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